


Guilty

by Leahlozer



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander cries, And Alexander totally isn't, Angst, But you can't just forgive that shit, Comfort/Angst, Dubious Consent, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, John wants Hammy to be happy, Loss of Virginity, M/M, No Smut, Thomas is a piece of shit, Virgin Alexander, he's sorry, talk of past rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 16:13:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8630683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leahlozer/pseuds/Leahlozer
Summary: Sequel to If You Love Me:Thomas feels bad, but forgiveness isn't given to people like him. John comes over and talks to Alexander about what happened.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The act of what Thomas did is simply unforgivable.

Alexander was silent for a few days after his first time. He kept to himself and would sometimes just disappear into the house and hide. Thomas knew he was a bit rough with him but he just couldn’t help himself. It was hardly something he could control. But he still felt a sense of overwhelming guilt build up inside himself. After a bit of searching, Thomas found him in the study curled up in a blanket, reading a thick book. Thomas knocked on the door. Alexander nearly jumped out of his skin, he looked so frightened. When he saw it was Thomas he calmed a bit but didn’t relax, he still looked tense like a bunched up spring.   
“Oh Thomas, it’s just you. You scared me love,” Alexander chuckled nervously, “What do you need?” He marked his place in his book and set it aside, he then scoot over to make room for Thomas to sit. Alex gently patted the seat next to him, “Sit. You look worried, what’s wrong?”  
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you Alex. It’s about a few nights ago when we had sex.” He saw Alex tense up a bit more and his hands shake a bit. “Y-yeah? What about it?” He blushed and didn’t look Thomas in the eye. Thomas felt sickness build in the pit of his stomach, overwhelming guilt weighed in his stomach. “Tell me truthfully how you felt.” He didn’t look at Alexander, the only response he got was silence. The silence said more than enough. Thomas felt like he may throw up. Thomas didn’t know what came over him that night, he truly didn’t. But one thing he knew for sure was this was inexcusable.   
“I’m so sorry Alex. I’m sorry for pressuring you, I knew you were waiting and I should’ve respected that. I’m sorry for everything I did to you.” Thomas cried into his palms. He felt a hand touch his shoulder, “Y-.... You really hurt me.” Thomas looked up at Alex, he was looking at the floor. “I can… never forgive you for what you did to me Thomas…” He saw tears fall to the floor from Alex’s face, “Just- just go Thomas. I need to be alone right now.” Alexander turned into himself more than he already was and fully turned away from Thomas. Thomas gathered his senses, got up, and left.   
He walked out the front door and made sure he had his wallet. He knew he wasn’t going to be stay at the house for a while.  
\---------  
Alexander flinched when he heard the door slam shut downstairs. He heard the car start outside and drive down the street. He was finally alone, he called his work that he needed a few more days off work. His ‘sickness’ was getting the better of him, he said. As soon as he hung up the phone he broke down crying. He was finally free to cry as loud as he wanted without having to worry about Thomas hearing him. He cried for what seemed to be hours when in reality is was but a few minutes. He tried calming his breathing unsuccessfully before picking his phone back up and pressing John’s contact name. His hands shook as he placed the phone against his ear and waited for it to be picked up by the person on the opposite line.   
“Hey Alex what’s up! You haven’t phoned in ages, how are-” “John I need you to come over.” Alex interrupted John before he could say Thomas’ name.  
“Alex what’s wrong?” John’s protectiveness was heard through his tone of voice, John knew that Alex would never call him like this. Something was seriously wrong. “Please John. Please.” Alex sobbed into the speaker, his emotions rising up again. There was a moment of silence.  
“I’m on my way.” Alex hung up as soon as he heard the phrase, he started crying again. He started overthinking again as well, about how he would look in front of John. Alexander was still bruised and limping from that night with Thomas. Finger shaped patterns of bruises still visible in his t-shirt. He still felt this overwhelming guilt inside himself about how he so blatantly betrayed his mother and he teachings. He calmed himself the best he could while he went to go put on a sweater to hide the marks, John would freak out if he saw him without it. Alex tried to busy himself while he waited for John to arrive, but John must have broken the speed limit twenty times over because there was a knock on the front door not ten minutes after Alexander’s phone call. As soon as Alex opened the door he was hugged by a worried John. Alex froze for second before realizing what was happening, he wrapped his arms around John and cried into his shoulder. John shushed him as Alexander sobbed, trying to comfort him.   
“Everything’s alright Alex, it’s okay.” John whispered to him as he loosened his hug, he kept an arm around Alexander as he led him to the couch in the sitting room. “Just calm down and talk to me sweetie, what’s wrong?” John spoke very softly to Alexander, who was still clinging to John’s side. “I- I-” “Shh, slow down honey. Take your time.” Alexander shivered slightly when he closed his eyes to try and compose himself. His breathing a bit slower he tried again, “I feel so guilty John. So so guilty.” Tears still glistened in his eyes as he spoke. “Guilty about what Alexander?” John’s heart beat fast, he didn’t know what Alex was so guilty for to be this upset.   
“I feel guilty because I-,” Alex swallowed down his fear, “because I broke my mother’s promise John! If I had not have been so stupid to do so I wouldn’t have-” Alex was cut off by another sob that built up in his throat. John rubbed Alexander’s back, ‘mother’s promise’? He couldn’t mean, John’s eyes bulged in realization. “You had sex with Thomas?” John gasped in disbelief. There was simply no way, Alexander was so consistently about that when they were dating. He very carefully explained that to John so that there would be none of that funny business with him. Alex had a strict no tolerance policy with sexual intimacy, John simply couldn’t believe it. “Is that all?” John asked. Alexander looked down and shook his head. John suddenly had a horrible feeling in his chest.   
“Then what is it?” Alexander grabbed John’s hand and looked back up to look very seriously into John’s eyes. “John you must promise me that you won’t tell anyone anything that you hear. Please.” John nodded his head, his heart was pounding like a drum in his chest. The anticipation was nearly killing him. “Oh God I don’t know where to begin. Well, Thomas really wanted to have sex with me right? But I told him no and,” Alexander’s hands shook, “he said he would leave me if I didn’t so-” Alexander hiccuped to keep a sob down, John was getting angrier and angrier every word coming out of his mouth. “I agreed to, umm, h-have sex with him and it was good at first but then-” John was trying so hard not to get up and hunt down Thomas as he watched Alexander control his cries in order to say what he needed to get off his chest.  
“It-.. It didn’t feel good at all John! It hurt so bad!” He explained through sobs and hitched breathe. “Is it supposed to hurt?” John embraced him and soothed Alex’s long hair. “No, it’s not supposed to hurt honey. I’m so sorry that that was your first experience. I can’t believed he did that to you.” John breathed to calm himself, he wanted to cry out in anger and frustration. He wanted to murder Thomas Jefferson. “I’m gonna kill him.” John growled. Alex pushed away suddenly, grabbing John by the junction of his arm. “No John, you can’t. I still love Thomas!” This made John absolutely livid, “Are fucking kidding Alex? After what he did to you?! He fucking raped you-” “No! No he didn’t! I said I wanted it-” “But did he listen to you when you said it hurt and to stop!? Did he?!” John shouted in Alexander’s face, Alex’s face was twisted in pain. “John let go! You’re hurting me!” John looked down, his hands were grabbing Alexander’s arms in a vice grip. John let go immediately.  
“Oh my God Alexander I’m so sorry!” Alex didn’t look at him, he was holding his right arm carefully. “Oh no, here take your sweater off and let me-” “No I’m fine John.” Alex cut him off quickly, his voice sharp and suspicious. John’s mind began to process something. “Take off the sweater Alex. I need to see what he did that I may have made worse.” Alex waved him off, “It’s nothing to worry about John.” Again in a sharp voice. John took Alexander’s hand, “Please.” John pleaded. Alex looked away, thinking. After a minute he nodded and took off the sweater that hid all the bruises and marks. “Oh Alexander.” John gently grazed over the absolutely giant bruise on Alexander’s upper arm. It wrapped completely around the arm, it looked swollen. “Have you not put any ice on this?” Alex shook his head. John hurriedly got up and ran to the kitchen for an ice pack. He gave it to Alex, he wrapped it around his injured arm. Fading hickies and bites littered his neck and shoulders, it looked quite sore.  
“How can you still love him,” John gestured to Alexander’s arm and neck, “after this?” Then John realized, “Oh my God, you need to go to the hospital! A torn rectum can get infected if not properly treated!” John’s inner medic was coming out as he gently grabbed at Alexander’s uninjured arm. “What?! No! I can’t John, no one needs to know! I’m completely fine!” “I’m not stupid, I could see you limping as soon as I walked in, you are seriously injured right now Alexander and I’ll be damned if you don’t let me take you to the hospital! I’ll take you by force if you’re going to be like this!” Alexander blushed and struggled against John’s grip, “I can’t have people look at me like that!” Tears gathered in his eyes again, John stopped his pulling. “I can’t have anyone look at me as a pity case, I can’t! They’ll know and call the police and have it out for Thomas and-” John’s eyes softened.   
“Alex, please. I don’t want to see you get even more hurt because of this. And if it makes you happy, I won’t tell them about Thomas. I’ll just tell them it was a stranger.” John’s blood boiled at the thought of Thomas getting off scot free, but Alex’s health was more important. “Really? You promise you won’t say a word?” John nodded, Alex wrapped his arms around him, “Thank you.” John hugged him back. When they parted John kept an arm around Alex to steady him as they walked out of the house and drive to the hospital.


End file.
